celi-butt

in relation to the week of celibacy: you see, what it is forcing me to do is constantly address what was before a subconscious impulse; instead of leaning down and kissing you or taking your hand inside mine, i now have to merely register that that is what i want to do but exactly what i cannot do. instead i must retract, changing the nature of this impulsive habit into a thought slash action process of dealing with and avoiding these desires. it makes me feel less like you're my girlfriend, more like the beginnings to that stage of taboo we went through eighteen months back; where we want to act on our feeling but know that we cannot (we weren't so good at that). except now it is different because today i have experienced around twelve months of constantly fulfilling these desires, at least when in your company. back then i guess i couldn't fully comprehend what i was missing. and although it pained my crotch to say no, for a while at least, i managed it. but now i have begun expecting these physical relations, they have become second nature. and in this i don't want to seem like they've become force of habit, or just something to be expected, almost endured, that isn't what i mean at all. i crave them constantly. i fuck you at night, sleep beside you and dream about fucking you then wake up and if we have time we fuck again. it hasn't become natural in the sense of being predictable, it's become natural in the sense of we both want it both so much (in amount) and so much (in regularity) that's it's just obvious that it's going to happen. but now it can't. only for a short while, but this short while is still far too long; all of a sudden, those luxuries, which were once so regular now cannot exist.